Putin Calls Up Obese General to the Front Lines

According to rumors, Vladimir Putin brought a morbidly obese general out of retirement to command his soldiers in Ukraine because he was short of senior officers.

The dictator of Russia is now scraping by and counting on the 67-year-old, 20st vodka-swilling General Pavel to resuscitate his flagging invasion.

Putin’s special troops in eastern Ukraine are reportedly under his supervision after the unit’s former leader suffered significant injuries during an artillery attack.

The enormous veteran, who has over 40 years of grueling experience, reportedly took part in Russia’s botched invasion of Afghanistan in the 1980s.

General Pavel had transitioned into a high-calorie retirement after serving as a leader of elite forces for 25 years.

He apparently consumes five meals each day and at least a liter of vodka to go with them.

After hanging up his boots five years ago, the general is supposed to have been residing in a Moscow suburb. However, it is said that the general received an order to rejoin the Russian army last month.

Pavel, though, is past his prime and needs a custom-made outfit because of his extreme weight.

And to protect his broad torso, the 67-year-old wears two pieces of body armor.

“Most of his best and battle-hardened senior commanders have been killed or injured fighting in Ukraine so he is resorting to sending second-rate officers to the front who don’t last very long. He is now dragging generals out of retirement and one of those is General Pavel.”

After a ruthless purge of his generals, the warmonger is digging up retired soldiers to fill holes in his frail army.

As part of his sweeping purge, some of his senior brass have already been fired from important positions this week.

According to reports, the expensive war in Ukraine has claimed the lives of 55 colonels and nine generals, leaving the despot clutching at thin air.

When a Ukrainian soldier shot down Lt-Col Sergey Gundorov’s chopper, the 51-year-old Russian air ace perished in a firestorm.